It’s nearing the end of 2023, and quickly approaching my 44th birthday. Wow, how am I closer to 45 than I am 40? Where has the time gone? I have lived half my life, maybe more, maybe less… but I feel grateful and don’t live life with regret. I plan to move forward with grace into my next chapter.
At this moment, I am feeling content and excited for my next season of life, my second half, if you will. It will be met with a perspective I didn’t have in the first half of my life.
I am writing this blog post on a flight home from a relaxing weekend in Florida. This was a trip that came with no agenda, just some R&R in the sun with my Man and best friend. We lounged by the pool, caught up on some work on our own time, took in a small amount of touristy things, laid in bed, and sipped whiskey at night on our balcony to the sweet sounds of my favorite, Chris Stapleton. I enjoyed every minute. I felt incredibly lucky, happy, rested and satisfied because this trip was aligned to what I wanted to do and is authentic to me (and I’m lucky my Man and I are similar in how we vacation). I’m ready to step back into work this week, excited to see my two boys and get some kid time. I miss them when I’m away, but so grateful for weekends to recharge. For many years, I didn’t get that. I lived a life that didn’t feel like it was a good fit. While everything looked perfect on the outside, there was a noise that got louder as the years went on. I muffled the noise with the idea that a fancier car, bigger house, new job, a new fitness routine – something, anything would give me that sense of peace and contentment. Turns out, it wasn’t the external factors that were causing dissatisfaction, it was the missing piece within myself. I was not living a life that felt authentic to ME but I was too busy trying to impress people and make my life look perfect. I want to punch my 35 year old face for spending so much energy on what other people think and what society dictated for me.
It was near the end of my 30’s and the voice of restlessness was getting louder and louder. I remember sitting in therapy one day after the holidays. I had been telling my therapist about the baby blue Land’s End cardigan that I had just received as a christmas gift from my husband at the time. I had been with my ex-husband for nearly 15 years and he got me a pastel cardigan from Land’s End of all places? While there is a time and place for that store, it wasn’t for me, nor was I wearing cardigansnot my style, nor did I have anything similar in my wardrobe. I remember thinking, how did this person not know what I liked after all these years? Around that same time, we had been spending holidays with my sister-in-law at the time. She is the epitome of a perfect, engaged, down on the floor playing, homemade cookie baking kind of mom. I love her dearly and nothing against her, but I wasn’t that mom. I felt inadequate during the holidays as she came with homemade frosting to decorate cookies with all the kids. I got the sense my husband at the time wanted me to be like that. Shortly after, I had told my therapist that maybe I should just succumb to what I was “supposed to be like” this cookie baking, cardigan wearing, domestic, tamed wife and mother. My therapist asked me, “did you bake cookies growing up, or in college?” “No,” I replied. Well you aren’t all of a sudden going to be into baking cookies if it doesn’t feel like something you want to do or are interested in. “You can’t put a square peg in a round hole,” she said. That stuck with me. Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with cardigans or cookie baking – that just isn’t my jam. It wasn’t long after that that my marriage ended (more on my divorce in another post) and through the last several years I have found myself. I have re-discovered what I like/don’t like, including finding lost passions in the outdoors, am attempting a third go at guitar lessons, this time it is actually sticking, I am traveling, and have better understanding of my values and beliefs, creating new boundaries for myself and various relationships, and simply put, not giving a F**K what other people think. I’m not perfect, no one is. The message is simple, if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. I love the quote, “if it’s not a yes, it’s a f**k no” – there were things in my first chapter of my life that were not an immediate “yes.” The lessons I learned along the way have set me up for success in my next chapter. This is the time that I am confident and fully aligned with myself. I have had the necessary experiences to propel me forward.
Leaving you with some Inspo:
- Self-Reflection is important to dive deep into the essence of your true self. Pay attention to how you feel. What brings you joy, causes anxiety, makes you sad…?
- Embrace Imperfections to allow your authenticity to shine brightest.
- Set Boundaries with yourselves and others to foster healthier and more satisfying relationships.
- Discover Passions and try new things to align your life with what brings you joy.
- Let Go of Societal Norms realizing life is not a one size fits all and there is no rule book.
- Practice Self-Care and Gratitude for the life you have, which builds confidence to overcome challenges with grace.
- Find Your People in your life that you have true connections with and let of go of those you don’t.
While there is a lot more to my story, the vacation I’ve just wrapped and the impending birthday has me reflecting on these learnings. I don’t know what is in store for me in the next phase of my life. I’ll tell you one thing, I sure as hell plan to live my life unscripted.
With Love,
Andi
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